Ugh… Trauma…
It is a weed with deep roots.
You clear the surface, pull it out again and again, thinking maybe this time it’s gone.
But some part of it always stays — quiet, buried, waiting.
And just when your garden begins to bloom,
when things look calm, healthy, alive —
it pushes through the soil again, uninvited.
It doesn’t care how much work you’ve done.
How many flowers you’ve planted, how carefully you’ve tended your growth.
It resurfaces when the conditions are right — or when you’re too tired to fight it.
It can choke out the beautiful things if you ignore it.
The weeds of trauma resurfaced in my garden this past week. I have been planting a lot of flowers- applying and being accepted into college to finish what I started years ago, taking care of my mental and physical health, and planning some time to spend with family. I actually smiled when I looked at my garden which I haven’t done in so long! My flowers were blooming! But the inevitable happened- trauma pushed through the soil and started choking out my beautiful flowers.
Princess started vomiting on Tuesday. I didn’t think anything of it because this is a chronic thing for her… but this vomiting was worse. With this vomiting comes choking due to aspiration and swallowing difficulties. Then the rashes start…Then the dehydration starts. After a few days of this, her rashes get redder and her choking episodes get longer. Because we can never get ahold of GI (they are SO helpful….), I reached out to her pediatrician. This resulted in a doctor’s appointment, an X-Ray to check her GJ tube placement/ a GJ leak, and then ultimately in the ER to get fluids via IV. Thankfully Princess just had a stomach bug.
Just a stomach bug. A stomach bug sent me into a SPIRAL! First my first concern is Princess. What if Princess has something more going on? What if she needs to be admitted- and of course it is on a Friday where NOTHING happens over the weekend. Then my concerns turn to my actions- did I mix up her food preparation? Am I not giving her enough water throughout the day? Have I been a good enough advocate for Princess? These concerns then turn into stress- I am going to be ALL ALONE in the hospital and we won’t be able to figure out what is wrong (in a place where you go for answers and healing, the hospital has been a place of confusion and dread). Is this part of Princess’s genetic condition that she will have to suffer with for the rest of her life? You see the spiral? It’s vicious and it is a result of trauma.
Thankfully Princess is feeling better and we are back to “normal.” However, I am exhausted. All the feelings from the past year in a half resurfaced from one stupid stomach bug. Loneliness. Confusion. Longingness. Loneliness from having to be in the hospital for weeks all by myself with Princess and being told that Princess has a genetic condition but nobody knows what it is. Feeling isolated in the undiagnosed diseases realm. Confusion- not knowing what is going on or why this has to be happening. Longingness. Longing to have a healthy daughter. Longing for life to follow the expected path. Longing for Princess to be able to verbalize what is happening so we don’t have to play the guessing game- a game that we have been playing for over a year.
It’s draining.
This experience this past week reminded me that having a disabled child is traumatic. Especially having a child with an undiagnosed disease. I have spent so much time trying to ignore the trauma, letting it take over my garden. I have tried pulling the weeds of trauma out before, but I only get their stems. So I am learning now. To pause. To feel. To accept. To CRY! I am getting to the roots. It’s slow and painful. But I am making room for more beautiful flowers!